it's one of those days.

Because next to no one reads this little space where I randomly, haphazardly throw my thoughts into the cosmos, I often feel free to do just that. No one reads, no one comments, or if they do, I don't know about it, so I might as well just be me and get words off my chest.

I just got home from a perfectly flowing day. In spite of getting out of bed 20 minutes later than I had planned, everything was on schedule. I showered, threw dinner in the crockpot (it's some serious comfort food), drove to Naperville to visit my grandma in the hospital, drove to Bolingbrook to get stuff printed out, drove to Aurora to finalize permit garbage, and got home before 1 PM. As I'm getting out of the car, my mom calls and tells me my grandpa (who just had lung cancer surgery) is in the ICU on a ventilator because his breathing stopped, and he has abdominal bleeding. This is in addition to several other complications that have arisen since having the surgery. 

I'm calm. I don't cry on the phone. I have that terrible habit sometimes of keeping my voice the same so I don't upset the person I'm talking to, then melting as soon as I'm alone. As soon as I hung up and got in the door I crashed. My throat hurts. Where do all these tears come from? Verses, doubts, trust, anger - it all surges. Everything all mixed together. I like things organized and in labeled folders. I'm not ready for this. 

Both sides of my family have died from some form of cancer. Seriously. Almost all of them. When I was old enough to finally understand, this fact is what prompted my obsession with the more organic, natural way of eating, especially. I hate hospitals. I've been to the doctor only twice since I was 8 years old (that's 12 years). Needles and surgery and mistakes and money. I hate it all. 

So my grandpa's in the ICU in AL. My grandma is in the hospital recovering from a double mastectomy (cancer strikes again). These are my only grandparents. My dad's parents both died of cancer in just a few weeks - one in 1993, the other in 2007. I'm really and truly tired of cancer destroying and taking my family. 

While visiting my grandma this morning, I read her a poem. It's called Tulips and it's by a woman named Sylvia Plath. Look it up. Clicking a link is too easy and passive. I want you to want to read it. If I'm ever in a hospital bed with cancer (heaven forbid), I believe this poem embodies some of the feelings and thoughts that will be running through my mind. 

I'm shivering, not just with the cold and the damp. I am afraid of "I love yous" left unsaid, and poems left unread, and smiles held back, and words kept bottled up. The time is now. Don't waste a day. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. And whether it's cancer, or a car wreck, or simply old age, God will choose some way for us to go. As Tuck says in Natalie Babbitt's beautiful book Tuck Everlasting, "Don't fear death. Fear the unlived life." 

I want to make every moment count. 

Matthiessen State Park

Saturday Chris and I finally had a day to ourselves. :) That morning we had planned on driving up to Starved Rock to go hiking. On our way, someone recommended Matthiessen. We had never heard of it, but it's only a few miles from Starved Rock. We went to S.R. first, but it was completely packed. (Oh yeah. It's (stupid) Sweetest Day! :P) We had a picnic lunch there, but it was crowded and freezing and windy, so we decided to keep driving till we reached Matthiessen. We got a front row parking spot (thank you, Lord!) and we were off! 

This is the inside of a fort that is right at the park's entrance. 

There was enough rain to make it totally muddy, but not enough for ANY waterfalls. Go figure. :P

Had fun getting some ring shots. :)

Jonamac Orchard

On Monday I went with my aunt Mary, my cousin Cole, my "cousin-in-law" Jenny, my aunt Laura, and Jenny's two kids Madisyn and Kolten to the Jonamac Orchard in Malta. We had a wonderful time!

 We waited in line for something like 40 minutes for the apple cider donuts. Was it worth it? YES.

Then we see this random piano in the middle of a field. I had to get pictures with it. Had to. Regardless of the little "No going beyond this point" sign. So, flinging caution and obedience to the wind, we three ran out there and got some pictures before racing back.

 It looks like something The Piano Guys would do. ;)

It was a beautiful day, and the first time I had gone apple picking since I was 5 or 6. It was fun to hang out with family and eat donuts and kettle corn. We had a blast! :)

Fall Tulle Wreath - a (kind of) tutorial

If you know me at all, you probably know that making crafts is more like a punishment for me than an excitement. It sounds terrible, but the thought of getting together with ladies to "make crafts" provokes an instant groan from the depths of my soul. :P Who knows why. Anyway, for me to make a craft, I have to 1) need it, or 2) really feel like I can do it and not fail. (We're talking major perfectionist here.) So when I saw this on Pinterest, I felt like maybe just this once, crafting and I could be friends.

I was off to Hobby Lobby - the place I always forget about and yet love every time I go. They have everything, it's a Christian company (yay for "Merry Christmas" and "Enter into His gates with Thanksgiving"), and are affordable. 

The fantastic tutorial I followed called for the following items:

a foam wreath

fall colored tulle

fall decorations (leaves, flowers, a scarecrow, etc.)

glue gun

Thanks to God's perfect timing, everything I needed (minus the wreath and glue gun) was 40-50% off. (It still is, so hurry out there!) I bought 6 different colors of tulle: green, crimson red, glittery orange (this added sparkle and texture), brown, cream, and basic red. You could also use burlap or wide ribbon for some more fun with colors, texture, and sparkle.

I didn't use any specific pattern with the colors; just kinda eyeballed it. I also eyeballed the length of each strip of tulle that I cut. The longer you go the better, in my opinion. You can always cut down, and it makes the evenness easier. I tied them on using the method the lady in the above tutorial used. I liked how wide it made the tulle, thus covering up more of the foam wreath.

So I tied and tied. It is a good idea to do something else as you tie, otherwise you might go a little loopy. For instance, you could memorize Scripture or pray through your family members. Or, in my case, watch River Monsters with your husband. :D Eventually it was finished!

As you can see, I still had some evening (?) out to do with the lengths. I did a little, but my anticipation of using a glue gun for the first time got the better of me, and I went right along to the decorating step. 

I bought a small clump of artificial leaves, as well as a random flower that I thought could go nicely with the colored tulle I bought. Snipped off a few leaves, completely de-stemmed the poor flower, and glued everything on. Then I tied on a bit of brown ribbon with which to hang the wreath, and...

Voila!

I'm pretty happy with it, and I can't wait to hang it on our front door. The coolest part? It's a craft I made. The fact that I blogged it all shows how rare this occasion is. ;) But I'm ready for another one. 

I have all the stuff I need to make these pilgrim hat cookies, so maybe there will be a blog post about those in the near future. :)

1 John 2:6

It's amazing how much can be packed into a tiny verse. I read this one this morning and was quite convicted. 

He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.  {1 John 2:6}

Discernment

one year :)

One year ago, on September 8th, I walked down the aisle to the man I had dreamed for years of marrying. In his smiling eyes - for yes, they always smile - I saw the love, passion, joy, truth, and goodness that had made me fall in love with him in the first place. 

If it's true that happily ever after is made up of todays, then I am well on my way to living a fairy tale life. :) 

Because happily ever after is full of details the stories don't tell you about. How he puts an ice cold water bottle on your nightstand every night without you asking. How he is so careful to detail to make sure the house stays looking nice. He comes home from work and works some more, so you have shelves to decorate and pictures on the walls and a yard that looks kept. How he teases you just to make you karate chop him. ;) How he bears the brunt of a difficult situation and gives advice. How he selflessly will watch something girly just because it's something you enjoy. How he patiently teaches you to cast a line and reel the fish in. How he forgives, like Christ, over and over, patiently, lovingly, accepting. 

Chris is my darling, my dream come true. How I hate cliches, because what Chris is to me cannot be put into words. He's like a constant strength, an absolute blast, and a gentle preacher all in one. :) I am so, so thankful, both to God for putting us together, and to Chris for choosing me. :)

When I am down, and oh, my soul's so weary; when troubles come, and my heart burdened be...

...then I am still, and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains...

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.

I am strong when I am on your shoulders.

You raise me up...to more than I can be.

I love you, Christopher Ryan Marsceau! I thank God every day for the perfect husband he gave me. I see Jesus in you every day and it pushes me to be a better person, a better Christian. Thank you for everything.

*All photography by the lovely Jessica Shae

*"You Raise Me Up" lyrics by Brendan Graham